Smiles

Dec 22
Manger meals
angel cake; strawberries; star fruit; shepherd's pie; a stable diet; donkey breakfast; feast for a king

Had to smile last Friday. During a lunch time break from Lai Chi Kok reception center,
I had a phone call from a Pakistan man just out of LCK. "Father, you good man, you help many people.
I'm a refugee in HK. Will you help me?
"How can I help you?"
"Father, I hear that if I marry a HK Chinese girl, I can get residence status in HK".
"Yes, but how can I help you?"
"Father, you have many contacts. You know many people. You find Chinese girl for me".
"But I'm not allowed to do that. You should marry for love, not for an ID card".
He then repeated his line, and I repeated mine...with an offer to pray for his future.

An hour or two later, when visiting one section of LCK, I met 5 local Chinese men in for fraud.
I don't usually ask people why there are in detention. But these 5 just told me openly
..."we were tricked by an agency to marry girls from China so they could get HK ID cards
...now we are doing a 15 month honeymoon in detention"!
The next day I rang the Pakistan man "Be careful....you could get 15 months in detention".
But he just repeated his line...and I repeated my offer of prayer

and...today's news! - illegal matchmakers arrested!
--------
If I'm home for lunch, I usually boil a couple of eggs and have them with a lovely current loaf.
A few days ago I put the boiler on as usual.....and went back to computer as usual to wait for eggs to boil.
But when I sat down to start lunch, I opened the boiler to find....no eggs. I'd forgotten to put them in!
(o l d a g e !)

Dec 15
Today's editorial in the Ming Pao newspaper speaks about a rise in the price of electricity...."shocking increases". Could also have used "revolting"...and ..."unnecessary charges"

Two of the inmates who regularly attend my Friday prayer service at Lai Chi Kok Reception Center
were missing for a couple of weeks. They broke a certain rule....and spent two weeks in Special Units.
Their SUs were next to each other, so the last two weeks while standing outside their cells I've had a mini-service for them. A bar-room service?

Dec 8
Santa's' sleigh broke down on Christmas Eve. He flagged down a passing motorist and asked,
'Can you help me fix my sleigh, please?'
'Sorry,' the motorist replied, 'I'm not a mechanic - I'm a podiatrist (足病診療師?).'
'In that case,' replied Santa, 'Can you give me a tow?'..[toe]!

Dec 1
(true story)
Last Sunday after Mass at Pokfulam, I went to nearby Honeyville Retreat Center to see someone. After leaving Honeyville, I was waiting at a bus stop for bus back to Jordan....when a bee went down the back of my neck and into my shirt. No time for sting...was soon on footpath under my sandal. But think about it: honeyville...bee!

Nov 24
Last Sunday I went to Kwai Chung Crematorium to farewell a dear friend (see photos below). I'd been told the ceremony would start at 8.30am, but when I arrived at 8.15 I couldn't find anyone. No staff, no relatives, no-one. As I thought to myself "no sign of life", I had a second thought "Stupid, what do you expect in a crematorium?"!

Nov 17
Last week I noticed hundreds of people "camped out" (some of them overnight) on the walkway between Central and the Star Ferry.
Many of them were from other countries....so I presumed they were protesting about the right of abode issue.
Then someone told me....they were queuing up to enter the nearby Apple building where only a limited number of F4 IPhones were on sale!

THREE NUNS WERE ATTENDING A BASEBALL GAME.
THREE MEN WERE SITTING DIRECTLY BEHIND THEM.
BECAUSE THEIR HABITS WERE PARTIALLY BLOCKING THE VIEW,
THE MEN DECIDED TO BADGER THE NUNS,
HOPING THEY'D GET ANNOYED ENOUGH TO MOVE TO ANOTHER AREA.
IN A VERY LOUD VOICE, THE FIRST GUY SAID,
"I THINK I'M GOING TO MOVE TO UTAH .
THERE ARE ONLY 100 NUNS LIVING THERE."
THEN THE SECOND GUY SPOKE UP AND SAID LOUDLY,
"I WANT TO MOVE TO MONTANA .
THERE ARE ONLY 5O NUNS LIVING THERE."
THE THIRD GUY YELLED,
"I WANT TO GO TO IDAHO .
THERE ARE ONLY 25 NUNS LIVING THERE."
THE MOTHER SUPERIOR TURNED AROUND,
LOOKED AT THE MEN,
AND IN A VERY SWEET AND CALM VOICE SAID,
"WHY DON'T YOU GO TO HELL...THERE AREN'T ANY NUNS THERE."

Nov 10
A family of mice were surprised by a big cat. Father Mouse jumped up and said, "Bow-wow!" The cat ran away.
"How did you do that, Father?" asked Baby Mouse. "Well, son, let's just say it's important to learn a second language."

A man doctor "Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts."
The doctor asks, "What do you mean?"
The man says, "When I touch my shoulder, it really hurts. If I touch my knee - OUCH! When I touch my forehead, it really, really hurts."
The doctor says, "I know what's wrong with you - you've broken your finger!"

Patient: Doctor, I have a pain in my eye whenever I drink tea.
Doctor: Take the spoon out of the mug before you drink.

A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.
"Wow!," said her father, "That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?"
"Wrong number," replied the girl.

Nov 3
Restaurant near my home has a sign advertising "chicken nuggards"

When you drink vodka with ice, it can give you kidney failure. When you drink rum with ice, it can give you liver failure.
When you drink whiskey with ice, it can give you heart problems. When you drink gin with ice, it can give you brain problems.
Apparently, ice is really bad for you. Warn your friends. ("Ice" here means "frozen water", not the drug "Ice")

Oct 27
The longest word in the English language, according to the Oxford English Dictionary is:- pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis . It just means silicosis

Oct 20
In English there's a saying "From here to Timbuktu". Well, last Tuesday at Lai Chi Kok Detention Center,
I met a man from .....Timbuktu! He said the real pronunciation is "Toom-book-two", with the emphasis on "book"

Quote of the week (from AFL.com.au)
GREATER WESTERN SYDNEY: The first year of the Giants will be a fascinating exercise in team building and establishing chemistry. Lots of really talented kids from the PS3 generation, a few more established players in their early 20s (Tom Scully, Callan Ward, Rhys Palmer, Sam Reid and Phil Davis) and the four old-timers (Chad Cornes, Dean Brogan, Luke Power and James McDonald). Overseeing it will be Kevin Sheedy and Mark Williams - both brilliant but mad as cut snakes. There is a book in there somewhere.

80,000 Collingwood fans meet at the MCG for a "Collingwood Fans Are Not Stupid" Convention.
Eddie says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that Collingwood fans are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"
Allan Didak gingerly works his way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.
Eddie asks him, "What is fifteen plus fifteen?"
After 15 or 20 seconds Didak says, "Eighteen!"
Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then all 80,000 Collingwood Fans start chanting, "GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!"
Eddie says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the world wide press and global broadcast media here, I think we can give him another chance."
So he asks, "What is seven plus seven?"
After nearly 30 seconds he eventually says, "Ninety!" Eddie is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh - everyone is disheartened.
Didak starts crying and the 80,000 Collingwood fans begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!"
Eddie, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage, eventually says, "OK! OK! Just one more chance...What is two plus two?"
Didak closes his eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four!"
Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 Collingwood fans jump to their feet, wave their arms, stamp their feet and scream...
"GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!"

Oct 13
A not-uncommon sight in HK - someone putting a (small) dog into a bag,
before getting on a bus (where doggies aint allowed).....a real doggie bag!

What do you call a pig that doesn't have a sense of humor? A: A boar ("bore")

Oct 6
Three little pigs went to market, but four over-spending PIGS went bust
( nothing to smile about if you're from Portugal, Ireland, Greece or Spain)

Nimby (plural nimbies). Not in my back yard. Ming Pao newspaper recently said that most HK people are nimbies
- e.g. they agree that HK should have centers for the handicapped, but not in their neighborhoood

Sep 29
How many "F's" are there in this sentence:
Finished files are the result of years of scientific study combined with the experience of years.
A: 6 (most people say 4 or 5)

Sep 22
Last Sunday, with group of people after Mass, I asked a little girl "What's your name?"
She replied "My name is Six Years Old". I will never, ever, ever forget her name!

A Minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good, clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol ... Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke ... Dead.
The third worm in chocolate syrup ... Dead.
The fourth worm in good, clean soil ... Alive .
So the Minister asked the congregation, "What did you learn from this demonstration?"
An elderly lady sitting in the back of the church raised her hand and said,
"As long as you drink, smoke, and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

Last Sunday with a group of people after Mass, I asked when did the English Mass begin at their church ( = what year did it start).
Quick as a flash, one wit replied "At 11.30am".
I also asked the same group (local Chinese people) why did they go to the English Mass? Why didn't they go to the Chinese Mass?
Same wit replied "So I can sleep better".....which I misunderstood at first...thinking he meant it was easier to sleep during an English Mass than during a Chinese Mass. But his "sleep better" meant "sleep longer" ....since the Chinese Mass was earlier than the English Mass!

Sep 8
When the Americans put a man on the moon in 1969, two Irishmen were in a pub talking about the landing.
Paddy said to Seamus: "We Irishmen can do better than that. We'll put a man on the sun"

A few weeks ago I mentioned how my aging brain got mixed up after a long day's work
....and got my hand to put my keys (instead of octopus card) on the octopus scanner at the MTR (Metro).
Two days ago a repeat: this time using my mobile phone

"In this place we have free board, free meals, free newspapers, free water, free electricity, free medicine - but no freedom"
- profound reflection of an inmate a few days ago

Last Saturday night at Mass I saw two things for the first time:
1. Someone using an iPad (computer) as they sat in their seat waiting for Mass to start.
2. After I washed my hands at the Offertory, the altar boy took the washing water and tipped it on the live flowers on the altar!

Sep 1
Child comes home from first day at school.
Mother asks, "What did you learn today?"
Kid replies, "Not enough. I have to go back tomorrow."

The teacher came up with a good problem.
"Suppose," she asked the second-graders, "there were a dozen sheep and six of them jumped over a fence. How many would be left?"
"None," answered little Norman.
"None? Norman, you don't know your arithmetic."
"Teacher, you don't know your sheep. When one goes, they all go

Last night I had a beautiful cold beer after a long hot day in a detention center. No beer the previous month as an effort to show some respect for Ramadan. Yesterday morning, in Jordan, I noticed many Muslim men, dressed in flowing shirts, heading for the Nathan Road mosque....which made me think there must be some special celebration to mark the end of Ramadan. Indeed there is. It's called "Eid". And now I understand why I thought inmates were telling me it was "Eat Day". They were not saying "Eat" but "Eid"!

Yesterday at an un-named island detention center, one of the "dog men" gave me a ride in his van, from the pier to section 18C (a drive of about 5 minutes...a walk of about one hour....up steep hill). "Dog man" so called because he has a dog whose job it is to sniff for drugs.
Driver really kind to give me a lift....lovely friendly man....but has DNA of failed Kamikaze pilot (...or, as HK people might say, of a mini-bus driver).
Speed signs of "Max speed 18kph" barely visible as we rocketed past at 50-60kmp on narrow one-track road, around sharp bends, swaying and shifting.
I'm a seasoned driver/passenger...have a strong stomach....but yesterday my stomach was in the "won't last much longer" stage.
So, to distract myself, I looked over my shoulder (I was in middle seat of van) to see how the dog was going
....only to find poor pooch was busy depositing his breakfast/lunch on floor of van.
Guess this is a good time to bring up (..sorry..) info that "sick as a dog" was first documented about 300 years ago

Aug 25
Summer vacation was over and Little Johnny returned back to school.
Only two days later his teacher phoned his mother to tell her that he was misbehaving.
"Wait a minute," she said. "I had Johnny with me for three months and I never called you once when he misbehaved!"

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch.
At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

How about this for mixed up English? (at this link, which may well disappear soon):
"Libyan leader Muammar Gaddafi blamed in the early hours of Sunday
rebel forces in the country for destroying the infrastructures in Libya
during a telephone speech which was broadcast on Libyan state TV" (sic)
- which means the rebel forces destroyed the infrastructure during a telephone speech (?!)

A high school had a policy that the parents must call the school if a student was to be absent for the day.
Kelly decided to skip school and go to the mall with her friends.
She waited until her parents had left for work and called the school herself.
Kelly: "Hi, I'm calling to report that Kelly so-and-so is unable to make it to school today because she is ill".
Secretary at high school: "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. I'll note her absence. Who is this calling?"
Kelly: "This is my mother."

Aug 18
Yesterday was a very happy day...."Simple Bible: New Testament" went to the printer just before 7pm...DG!
...after some 9 hours of editing Word files and saving them as PDF's
....but this morning my brain was still recovering:
on way to English class, when I went to go through the Metro (MTR) gate,
instead of using my MTR (Octopus) card,
I took out my keys and started to put them on the machine!

Favorite part of Bible for many HK people: Mark 6 (= name of the local lottery, The Mark Six)

Aug 11
Near the Ricci Center in Jordan is a small canteen run by a lovely couple from the Mainland...who speak the Hakka dialect.
They are helped by their soon-to-have-a-baby daughter, a cook, a waiter, and a cleaner.
I go to the canteen for an evening meal once or twice a month. A few nights ago when I was there,
I asked the husband (in Cantonese) "new grandchild arrived yet?". He pointed to the cook and said "Ask him".
Husband thought I was ordering a meal.
I then asked the wife "new grandchild arrived yet?". She pointed to the waiter and said "Ask him".
Wife thought I needed something at the table.
At which stage I changed to Mandarin and found out the baby still has a few weeks to go

Man walking along a road in the countryside comes across a shepherd and a huge flock of sheep. Tells the shepherd, "I will bet you $100 against one of your sheep that I can tell you the exact number in this flock." The shepherd thinks it over; it's a big flock so he takes the bet.
"973," says the man. The shepherd is astonished, because that is exactly right. Says "OK, I'm a man of my word, take an animal." Man picks one up and begins to walk away.
"Wait," cries the shepherd, "Let me have a chance to get even. Double or nothing that I can guess your exact occupation." Man says sure. "You are an economist for a government think tank," says the shepherd. "Amazing!" responds the man, "You are exactly right! But tell me, how did you deduce that?"
"Well," says the shepherd, "put down my dog and I will tell you."

July 28
(a recent serious conversation...inmate was not joking...)
Inmate to me: "please pray for my wife. She is going into hospital about this time to have a baby".
Me: "when is the baby due?"
Inmate: "after 9 months"

(a "chicken and duck conversation" in local market)
Me: "how long will these eggs keep?" (as I was buying 4 of them last Monday)
Very hard of hearing seller: "they're from Thailand"

July 21
Photo on my prison pass, taken three years ago, makes me look quite ancient.
Imagine hole in my pride when guard at prison a few days ago remarked,
when processing my admission and looking at photo, "you looked young then"

July 14
Pastor was giving a stirring Temperance sermon: "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd throw it in the river.
And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd throw it in the river. And if I had all the whisky in the world, I'd throw it in the river".
At end of service he asked everyone to stand for the final song "Shall we gather at the river?"

Two naughty brothers....always in trouble....mother asked Pastor to talk to them at home....one by one....Pastor (a big gruff man) to younger brother: "Where's your teacher?"....."I don't know".....Pastor (louder) "Where's your teacher?"...."I don't know"...Pastor (even more loudly) "Where's your teacher?"
Small boy ran into next room and hid in cupboard. Older brother opened door and said "What's going on?". Younger brother: "my teacher is missing and they think we've done it"

July 7
English here at china.org.cn (Government site) not so good....can mean that corruption is necessary for survival of Party!
"The Communist Party of China (CPC) will intensify its efforts to combat corruption,
which is crucial in gaining popular support for the Party and ensuring its very survival"

I never ask inmates why they are in prison. Usually ask them what work they do "outside", where they live etc.
Recently one local Chinese inmate wanted to practise his English. So I spoke to him in English and asked "What work do you do? What's your job outside?" He answered "I beat my wife" (...he thought I was asking why he was in prison...)