Smiles - from Diary January 2011 to June 2011
01: Man on
arson charge, hoping,
because of special circumstances, to receive a lighter
sentence (true story)
02: Why is a building where people sit to watch an outdoor sports event called a stand?
03: UK used to have Geoffrey How(e); China has President Who (Hu) and Premier When (Wen). Anywhere have a What or Where?
(thank you Peter)
There was a Scottish painter named Smokey Macgregor who was very interested in making a penny where he could,
so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.
As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but only until the local church decided to do a big restoration job
on the outside of one of their biggest buildings.
Smokey put in a bid, and, because his price was so low, he got the job.
So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say,
thinning it down with turpentine..
Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed,
when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened,
and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church
and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones,
surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.
Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried:
"Oh, God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?"
And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke..
And thin no more!" ((repent, repent, and sin so more))Smile
radio news yesterday spoke about people from North Korea who go to South
Korea as refugees.
A new program is beginning to help train them for jobs....a career program ("career" = "korea")!
Smile Eat one live toad first thing in the morning. Nothing worse can happen all day
Smile: Down to earth English of prisoners: "Big officer coming" (= twice daily inspection by superintendent); "Food here very no good"
How much does a bottle of beer cost in Afghanistan?
Recently I met a prison inmate who said he was "detained" for three months by the Taliban some years ago. He was blindfolded, and had one leg chained. He was freed only when his relatives in HK paid a fee of HK$30,000. His offence? He had been caught drinking a bottle of beer!
Smile: Not-very-nice teacher:
the whale could not have swallowed Jonah. A whale's throat is
too small to swallow a person.
Little girl to not-very-nice teacher: when I get to Heaven, I will ask Jonah what really happened.
Teacher: how do you know Jonah is in Heaven?
Girl: If he's not, you ask him
is the USA?
It's in Australia, Burkina Faso, Saudi Arabia, South Africa, Russia, Turkmenistan...and South America!
Smile from Australia: A man
was mowing the lawn in his garden and accidentally cut off the tail of his cat
that was hiding in the grass.
He rushed his cat, along with the tail, over to Coles! Why Coles?? Coles is the largest re-tailer in Australia
Smile Did you
know that nearly half the people in the world live in five letters?
Chile, China, Congo, Egypt, Gabon, Ghana, Haiti, India, Italy, Japan, Kenya, Korea, Libya, Malta, Nepal, Niger, Samoa, Spain, Sudan, Syria, Wales, Yemen (any more?)
Smile: A TV interviewer
asked a famous Jewish writer "Why do you Jews often answer questions by
asking another question?"
The writer replied "Why not?"
Lady invited bishop for midday meal at her home. As the day drew nearer, lady became nervous and regretted making the invitation.
On day of the meal, bishop was seated with lady, husband and daughter. Lady asked daughter to say prayer before meal. Daughter became shy and didn't speak. Mother said "just pray the way I did this morning at breakfast".
So, daughter prayed "O God, why did I invite the bishop?"
Fr O'Malley, an Irish priest was transferred to Texas rose from his bed one morning. It was a
fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of
the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.
He promptly called the local police station.
The conversation went like this:
''Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?''
''And the best of the day te yerself.. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann 's Catholic Church.
There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn "
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk,
''Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!''
There was dead silence on the line for a moment.
Father O'Malley then replied:
'Aye, 'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin.''
Last Thursday night, I said the Mass of the Last Supper in a dormitory at Lai Chi Kok Detention Center. A beautiful experience.
Most of the men attending were not Christians, so I tried to explain everything very carefully as we went along. But I didn't anticipate this question after the washing of feet: "Father, will we drink the water?"
Smile: There are lies, damned lies, statistics, Mainland statistics, and ....Old Testament statistics
A little girl asked her mother,
"How did the human race start?" The mother answered,
"God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so all mankind was made."
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered,
"Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved." The confused girl returned to her mother and said,
"Mum, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"
The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple.
I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."
Smile - seen from metro when it stopped at Mong Kong station on Tuesday afternoon: young couple embracing....girl hanging around boy's waist....boy at higher level around and above her neck, using Ipad behind (literally) her back.....which girl was aware of, and stopped the embrace to give boy and Ipad an unfriendly stare before walking away a short distance
Smile A game to play on the HK metro for people over 60: try to find someone older than yourself! (I am usually the oldest passenger!)
Salt story: last Saturday night I had only two items on my shopping list: a new battery for one of the speakers I use in English classes, and some salt (to put on porridge each morning). Salt and battery....assault and battery (and local supermarket was out of salt!)
Smile 01 Last Sunday at Tuen Mun I was talking (in Cantonese) to some people on the light rail. I thought I detected a Mainland accent ...so I said to one lady (in Cantonese) "Are you from the Mainland?". And she replied in English "No. I was burn in Hong Kong"
Smile 02 (thank
An atheist was walking through the woods. 'What majestic trees!' 'What powerful rivers!' 'What beautiful animals!' He said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.
He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He tripped & fell on the ground.
He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant moment, the Atheist cried out: 'Oh my God!'
Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.
'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light, and said: 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?' 'Very well', said the voice.
The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:
'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from Thy bounty. Amen.'
Q What brand of computer did Adam and Eve use? A (it starts with "a" and is a type of fruit)
the season of Lent which began yesterday):
After a three year old girl received the ashes, she said to her mother "Priest very naughty. He put dirt on my head"
Smile 01 (thank you
Peter B for this and smiles below!)
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'
Smile 02 An
elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to
the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids
that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect.. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'
Smile 03 A man was
telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand
dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?' The man answered 'Twelve thirty..'
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great... I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being
discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly
gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet,
who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: 'So I
hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!' 'Do I know her?' 'Nope!' 'This woman, is she good looking?' 'Not really.' 'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.' 'Does she have lots of money?' 'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?' 'I don't know.' 'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'
story from USA)
New young female teacher ...at her first school....was given name list of students in her class. When she saw the numbers beside the names ...130, 145, 120, 129 etc....she was overjoyed to have a class with such high IQs. She worked the class hard and at the end of the first semester the principal praised her for getting such good results. She said it wasn't difficult, considering the IQ level of the class. The principal asked "what do you mean?". She showed him the name list with numbers. He said "They're not IQ numbers. They're locker numbers!"
Smile (thank you Pam &
Bruce) 01: IRISH
An elderly man lay dying in his bed.
While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite scones wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.
With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite scones.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture. His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon ...........................
'Get away', ' she said, 'they're for the funeral
Smile 02 (Thank
you Pam & Bruce)
There was a knock on the door this morning, I opened it and there was a young bloke standing there who said:
"I'm a Jehovah's Witness".
I said "Come in and sit down, what do you want to talk about"?
He said, " Blowed if I know, I've never got this far before"
Boris was listing to a radio program which asked people to phone in and talk on a given subject for one minute. One person got the topic "Talk for one minute about the last book you read". Another got "the last movie you saw". Another "the last holiday you had". Boris thought to himself "this is easy", so he phoned in. But he lasted only ten seconds when he got his topic "life inside a ping pong ball"
Smile - for Year of the Rabbit
Q: What airline do rabbits use? A: British Hare-ways!
Q: What do rabbits put in their computers? A: Hoppy disks!
Q: What do you get when you cross an insect and a rabbit? A: Bugs Bunny!
Q: What is white and has long ears, whiskers, and sixteen wheels? A: Two rabbits on Rollerblades!
Q: What do you call a rich rabbit? A: a millionhare!
Smile - for Year of
Catholic priest, Jewish Rabbi and Anglican bishop in car going along highway.
Hit a large rabbit which was crossing the road. Rabbit was thrown to side of road.
Three holy men decided to stop and minister to dead rabbit.
Rabbi prayed....nothing happened.
Bishop prayed...nothing happened.
Priest took out bottle and sprinkled rabbit.
Rabbit came back to life....stood up...waved.....went about 10 metres...waved again....another 10 metres...waved again.
Rabbi & bishop to priest: what did you do?
Priest: I just used some hair restorer......with a permanent wave (hare = rabbit)
Smiles - from the
floods (many parts of Australia still
being affected by flooding):
- a shark was seen swimming down the main street of Goodna during the flood
- the mayor of Ipswich said that he would like to see flood looters turned into flood markers
Smiles: after England recently thrashed
Australia at cricket, jokes like these have been circulating:
What do you call an Australian with a bottle of champagne? A waiter.
What do you call an Australian with 100 runs to his name? A bowler.
What do you call an Australian who can hold a catch? A fisherman
Smile Many little old ladies in Jordan area collect used cardboard and sell it at a recycling center. Ladies are very clever. As they pack up their bundle of cardboard, they sprinkle each piece with water. Why? To make it heavier....to get more money!