Smiles  2004 - 2005     contributions  welcome - send to: john@china8.org

2005-08-22   I.Q. Test for Professionals - thank you Joy!

The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and will > tell you whether you are qualified to be a professional. Scroll down for each answer. The questions are not that difficult. But don't scroll down until you have answered the question!>

2005-07-01               The atheist and the bear - thank you Agnelo!

An atheist was walking through the woods.  "What majestic trees!  What powerful rivers!  What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.  As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look.  He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path.  He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.  He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer.  He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the Atheist cried out: "Oh my God!..." Time stopped.    The bear froze. The forest was silent. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky: "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident.  Do you expect me to help you of this predicament?  Am I to count you as a believer?" The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?"

Said the voice. "Very well," The light went out.  The sounds of the forest resumed.  Then the bear    dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord. Amen."     

2004-12-16 How to get kids home for Christmas, at their own expsense (thank you, Gerry)

An elderly man in Auckland calls his son in Sydney and says, "I hate to
ruin your day, but I have to tell you that you mother and I are
divorcing, forty five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man
says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so
you call your sister in Brisbane and tell her." and he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like
heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."
She calls her dad immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT
getting divorced!  Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm
calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow.  Until then,
don't do a thing, do you hear me?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up the phone and turns to his wife, "OK" he
says, "they're coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares."

2004-09-16 Update of Abbott & Costello's "Who's on First Base" (thank you, Agnelo)

2004-03-10  (Thank you Megan!)
We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes;
but the plural of ox became oxen not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice;
yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.
If the plural of man is always called men,
why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I spoke of my foot and show you my feet,
and I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?
Then one may be that, and three would be those,
yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
and the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
but though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
but imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim.

2004-02-21 (Thank you KC!)
After getting all of Pope John Paul's luggage loaded into the limo , the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb. "Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."
"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.
"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
"Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio. "I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.
"So bust him," said the Chief.
"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop. Chief exclaimed, "All the more reason!"
"No, I mean really important," said the cop. The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?" Cop: "Bigger."
Chief: "Governor?" Cop: "Bigger."
"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?" Cop: "I think it's God!"
Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"
Cop: "He's got the Pope for a limo driver!"

2004-01-15: Three Sons Left Home

Smiles  2001 - 2003