Smiles 2001 - 2003 contributions welcome - send to: firstname.lastname@example.org
Waterskiing, Evolving Man,
Mice in Snake (thank you Irek!)
2003-10-30 George at primary school (thank you Pam & Bruce!)
George W Bush goes to a primary school
to talk about the war. After
his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand, and the
President asks him his name.
"Billy!" "And what is your question, Billy?"
"I have three questions:
First - why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
Second - why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?;
and Third - whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?"
Just then the bell rings for recess. George W. Bush informs the
kiddies that they will continue after recess.
When they resumed, the President says, "Okay where were we? Oh that's
right - question time. Who has a question?"
A different little boy puts his hand, George points him out and ask his
"And what is your question, Steve?"
"I have five questions:
First - why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?;
Second - why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?;
Third - whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?;
Fourth - why did the recess bell go 20 minutes early?;
and Fifth - what happened to Billy?"
Preacher's Donkey (thank
A man bought a donkey from a preacher. The preacher told the man that this
donkey had been trained in a very unique way (being the donkey of a
preacher). The only way to make the donkey go, is to say, "Hallelujah!"
The only way to make the donkey stop, is to say, "Amen!"
The man was pleased with his purchase and immediately got on the animal to
try out the preacher's instructions.
"Hallelujah!" shouted the man. The donkey began to trot. "Amen!" shouted the
man. The donkey stopped immediately.
"This is great!" said the man. With a "Hallelujah" he rode off, very proud
of his new purchase.
The man traveled for a long time through the mountains. As he headed towards
a cliff, he tried to remember the word to make the donkey stop.
"Stop," said the man. "Halt!" he cried. The donkey just kept going.
"Bible...Church!...Please! Stop!!," shouted the man. The donkey just began
to trot faster. He was getting closer and closer to the edge of the cliff.
Finally, in desperation, the man said a prayer..."Please, dear Lord. Please
make this donkey stop before I go off the end of this mountain, In Jesus
The donkey came to an abrupt stop just one step from the edge of the cliff.
"HALLELUJAH!" shouted the man.
A Recently Spotted
"I'll believe in reincarnation in my next life."
"Thank God I'm an Atheist!"
"Know Sin. No God; Know God. No Sin."
I Know What the Bible Means
A father was approached by his small son, who told him proudly, "I know what
the Bible means!" His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you
'know' what the Bible means?" The son replied, "I do know!"
"Okay," said his father. "So, son, what does the Bible mean?"
"That's easy, Daddy. It stands for 'Basic Instructions Before Leaving
"Beat the Christmas rush, come to church this Sunday!"
"Don't wait for the hearse to take you to church."
"Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case."
"Life has many choices. Eternity has two. What's yours?"
"Worry is interest paid on trouble before it is due."
Improvements in Hell
An engineer died and ended up in Hell. He was not pleased with the level of
comfort in Hell, and began to redesign and build improvements. After a
while, they had toilets that flush, air conditioning, and escalators.
Everyone grew very fond of him.
One day God called to Satan to mock him, "So, how's it going down there in
Satan replied, "Hey, things are great. We've got air conditioning and flush
toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going
to come up with next."
God was surprised, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He
should never have gotten down there in the first place. Send him back up
"No way," replied Satan. "I like having an engineer, and I'm keeping him."
God threatened, "Send him back up here now or I'll sue!"
Satan laughed and answered, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to
get a lawyer?"
I Stand at the Door
A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his
parishioners. All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that
someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he had knocked
several times. Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back "Revelation
3:20" and stuck it in the door. (Revelation 3:20 reads: "Behold, I stand at
the door and knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I will
come in to him, and will dine with him, and he will with me.")
The next day, as he was counting the offering he found his card in the
collection plate. Below his message was a notation "Genesis 3:10" ("And he
said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was
A Christian Puppy
A Baptist couple decide that they want to get a dog. As they are walking
down the street in town, they notice that a sign in the pet shop is
advertising "Christian Puppies." Their interest piqued, they go inside.
"How do you know they're Christian puppies?"
"Watch," says the owner, as he takes one of the dogs and says, "Fetch the
Bible." The dog runs over to the desk, and grabs the Bible in its mouth and
returns. Putting the Bible on the floor, the owner says, "Find Psalm 23."
The dog flips pages with its paw until he reaches the right page, and then
stops. Amazed and delighted, the couple purchase the dog and head home.
That evening, they invite some friends over and show them the dog, having
him run through his Psalm 23 routine. Impressed, one of the visitors asks
"Does he also know 'regular' commands?"
"Gee, we don't know. We didn't ask," replies the husband.
Turning to the dog, he says, "Sit." The dog sits. He says, "Lie down." The
dog lies down. He says "Roll over." The dog rolls over.
He says "Heel." The dog runs over to him, jumps up on the sofa, puts both
paws on the owner's forehead and bows his head.
"Oh look!" the wife exclaims. "He's PENTECOSTAL!"
June 2003 - thank you Raymond
figure - upside down (...print it out....)
TV program host: Please say the missing word and spell it - "Old MacDonald had a ......."
Contestant from USA: "Ranch.....R-A-N-C-H"
Contestant from UK: "Estate ....E-S-T-A-T-E"
Contestant from Australia: "Farm ....E-I-E-I-O"
Thank you, Denis!
How many "F's" in the sentence ???!!กก
Finished files are the result of years of scientific study combined with the experience of years.
Answer: 6 (most people say 4 or 5)
September 2001: Thank you, Net!
August 2001: Photo Smiles - Thank you, Joseph!
An Irish Prayer: (Sefton
Presbytery) July 2001
MAY THOSE WHO LOVE US, LOVE US,
& THOSE THAT DON'T LOVE US,
MAY GOD TURN THEIR HEARTS.
& IF HE DOESN'T TURN THEIR HEARTS,
MAY HE TURN THEIR ANKLES
SO WE'LL KNOW THEM BY THEIR LIMPING.
"Letter of Recommendation" (thank you, Rosa!)
Bob, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often, Bob takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Bob is an individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
classified as a high-caliber employee, the type that cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
executed as soon as possible.
Shortly thereafter, the HR department received the following memo from the Project Leader:
Sorry, but that idiot was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today.
Kindly read only the odd numbered lines for my assessment.
|SMILE FOR YOU January
2001 (Thank you, Lee!)
Smiling is infectious; you catch it like the flu,
When someone smiled at me today, I started smiling too.
I passed around the corner and someone saw my grin
When he smiled I realized I'd passed it on to him.
I thought about that smile then I realized its worth,
A single smile, just like mine could travel round the earth.
So, if you feel a smile begin, don't leave it undetected
Let's start an epidemic quick, and get the world infected!
Keep the smile going by sending this on to a friend.
Everyone needs a smile!!!
Sunday Morning Post, HK, May 7, 1989
Possibly the funniest story in a long while: The Bricklayer (thank you, Cathy!) January 2001
This is a bricklayer's accident report which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian equivalent of the Workers' Compensation board.
This is a true story. Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure...
"I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks. You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope.
Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equal, impressive speed. This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel.
Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight. As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body.
Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs. I hope this answers your inquiry."