Smiles - from Diary July 2010 to December 2010

Dec 30

Coming Soon sign outside picture theatre in YMT - with poster of a film named "Hereafter" !  

Dec 23

Christmas smiles
- what Christmas Carol is a favorite of parents?    Silent Night
- why does Santa have 3 gardens?   So he can hoe, hoe, hoe
- what do you call people who are afraid of Santa?   Claustrophobic

Smile (thank you, Louie)              This is for all the germ-conscious folks  that worry about using cold water to clean. 

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather  in a very secluded, rural area of Saskatchewan. After spending a great evening chatting the night away,  the next morning John's grandfather prepared  breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. 
However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate,  and questioned his grandfather asking,  'Are these plates clean?' 
His grandfather replied,  'They're as clean as cold water can get em.  Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!' 

For lunch the old man made hamburgers.  Again, John was concerned about the plates,  as his appeared to have tiny specks around 
the edge that looked like dried egg,  and asked,  'Are you sure these plates are clean?' 

Without looking up the old man said,  'I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as  clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you 
fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!' 

Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town,   and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog  started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass. 
John yelled and said,  'Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car'. 

Without diverting his attention from the football game  he was watching on TV, the old man shouted!  'Coldwater, go lay down now, yah hear me!'

Dec 16

Christmas smile 02   Inland Australia....remote area....drought for 5 years.....not a drop from the skies.  The day before Christmas.....clouds appeared...got darker and darker.....and it pelted down.  Small 4 year old boy, had never seen drops from skies, ran to window and called out "Mum, what's that?"     Mum replied "That's rain, dear"   (reindeer...)

Dec 9

Smile - from Norway...where they make fun of Swedes:   A Norwegian lorry driver was transporting a load of penguins to the aquarium in Bergen. In the middle of a mountain pass, his lorry broke down, and while he was standing by the side of the road, a Swedish lorry driver pulled over. The Swede asked if he could help, and the Norwegian asked if he could take the penguins to the aquarium. The next day, the Norwegian made it to Bergen. At the first stop light, he caught sight of the Swede standing at the junction with the penguins in a row behind him, waiting on the light.
"What on earth are you doing?" the Norwegian asked. "You were supposed to take those penguins to the aquarium."
The Swede replied, "That was yesterday. Today I'm taking them to the movies." 

Dec 2

Smile  Last Sunday afternoon on Metro on way back to Jordan from Mass in Tuen Mun, I met a middle aged couple from Northern China.
They had never been to Australia but when I mentioned I was from Australia, the first thing they said was "it's a beautiful country" and the second thing they said....which is a common joke on the Chinese grapevine apparently (.. must admit I've never heard it  before) is that Chinese laugh when they hear a sporting crowd calling out "Aussie, Aussie".....because the sound "orsi" in Chinese means....."s h _ t".
So, best not to say you're an Aussie....best to say you're an Australian!

Smile  Which newspaper do the angels read in Heaven?    (The Guardian....guardian angels)

Nov 25

Smile  Why is something which takes people from the 25th floor to the ground floor called ....a lift?

Nov 18

Smile  (no connection with wine or street ladies):  "Never underestimate your own....stupidity"

Nov 11

Trivia    More than half the people in the world belong to the Five Letter Club - China, India, Korea, Japan, Burma, Italy, Spain, Malta, Egypt, Libya, Niger, Sudan, Kenya, Ghana, Gabon, Congo, Benin, Chile, Samoa etc

Nov 4

Smile 01  What do you call a horse than lives next door? A neighbour

Smile 02   When asked how old she was, one little girl recently replied "I'm going to be six"

Oct 28

Smile - re Super Typhoon Megi:  Megi didn't come to HK because HK is too expensive

Smile 02  Recently when buying Bibles for prisoners I got mixed up. 
I thought I was buying a Dutch Bible because it had the word Deutsch

Oct 21

Smile 01 - recently on the Metro ("MTR") I met a very friendly couple from France.  As the three of us got off at Jordan station, I said "This is where I live. This is my home".  Quick as a flash, the French lady, in classical French English asked "you lif en de soobway?"

Smile 02  Down to earth English from Chinese prisoner after release....talking about the prison where he was: "That place very no good"

Smile 03  Golf rules during Battle of Britain

Oct 14

Smile - a mining joke....can't find a clean one....their all covered in dirt!

Oct 7

Smile 01  Two hats on a hat-stand....one said to the other: "I'll go on ahead"

Smile 02  A few days ago I saw a man on the metro wearing a tea-shirt which had the words "If  lost, please return to pub"

Sep 30

Sep 23

Smiles - for the Moon Festival:
Q. What was the name of the first satellite to orbit the Earth?   A. The moon

Q. Why didn't the dog want to go to the moon?  A.  It was afraid of lunarticks

Sep 16

(Irish) Smile - for Mid-Autumn, Moon Festival

Paddy and Seamus were walking home from the pub.  Paddy says to Seamus, 'What a beautiful night, look at the moon.'

Seamus stops and looks at Paddy, 'You are wrong, that's not the moon, that's the sun.' They started arguing for a while when they came upon a real drunk walking in the other direction, so they stopped him.

'Sir, could you please help settle our argument? Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that's shining. Is it the moon or the sun?' The drunk looked at the sky and then looked at them, and said, 'Sorry, I don't live around here.'

p.s. After the Americans went to the Moon, Paddy and Seamus announced that the Kerry Men would go one better and send a man to the Sun.

Sep 9

Smile (thank you, Peter B):
Two drivers in two cars had collision.  Both got out of cars with cuts and bruises, dizzy, hands shaking.  Driver One  had just been to liquor store...so he took out bottle of whiskey and said to Driver Two "have some of this...it will steady your nerves".  "Thank you....yes, that's a help" said Driver Two as he downed a few mouthfuls.  But  when Driver Two noticed that Driver One wasn't taking any whisky, he said "aren't you going to have any?".   "No thanks" said Driver One, "the police will be here soon". 

Sep 1

Smile:  I do my own washing (in a bucket....Mother Teresa's sisters have got nothing on me...) but my pride took a bash on Monday when, as usual at end of month, I washed my long white alb/soutanne (used at Mass) together with the white chord that goes around it.  I left both items soaking overnight, then  rinsed them out in the morning.....but when  I took the alb from  bucket of soapy water, I forgot the chord was still there....and when I tipped used water down the toilet (=  drain)....chord went too....and no amount of effort could get it back

Aug 25

Smile:  recently while on way to morning English classes, I noticed a band of elderly ladies (80+ years old) waiting at exit of Metro station.
At first I didn't know why/what they were soliciting......didn't seem to be asking for money....too old for xxxx.  Then I saw why their hands were sort of half stretched out ...... seeking newspapers from people who had finished reading them.
So, as you enter the Metro, you are given or can take a free daily paper.  You read it on the train.  Then as you get off the train....the little old ladies help you recycle the paper

Aug 18

Smile:  From Ray, thank you

Smile: elderly (my age!?) man now in local nursing home.  Was a guest in several prisons over the years.  Spent 4 years at Hei Ling Chau, in section "18C".   His bed number in nursing home?  18C  !

Aug 11

Last Sunday - a lovely experience.  After Mass I went to an old people's home in Wanchai, and then called in to nearby Sikh Temple (my first ever visit) to ask for items for Indian prisoners.  Temple staff extra friendly and helpful and gave me many books.  One of several hundred people at the temple was a guard from Lai Chi Kok prison!   And now I know: on entering temple, take off shoes and put on head cloth

Smile:  When I met the Indian Sikh prison guard at the Temple, I got mixed up and said "Hello Mohammed"  (lots of Pakistani guards in HK prisons)

Aug 4

Smile  Tea shirt now on sale in HK, has the words "Genuine fake"

Smile, from Bible:  Which  Old Testament prophet would have been a star on the tv show Master Chef?   ......Habakkuk

July 28

Smile   Eat one live toad first thing in the morning.    Nothing worse can happen all day.

July 21

Smile - another true story from Syria (in W. Dalrymple's "From the Holy Mountain"): 

Taxi collided with big black limousine which had gone through a red light.  
Taxi driver, very angry, went over to limo and demanded compensation.
Back window of limo went down a little and a name card was passed out.  Limo then sped off.

Next day when taxi driver was finally able to make phone contact, he swore with all his skill and called the limo owner every
insulting name under the sky.
Finally the limo owner revealed his name and asked the driver "Do you know who I am?"

"Yes", said the taxi driver, "you are the president of our country"    (... a president with a ruthless reputation...).
The taxi driver then asked the president "Do you know who I am?"
"No", said the president.
"That's good", said the taxi driver, who slammed down the public phone he was using and shot through before anyone could trace his identity.

July 14

About 1930, a man spent five years developing a small farm in a desert area of Syria.  He had a good harvest and needed to repay money borrowed to buy the farm....but the road to where he was going was famous for robbers....so he asked an Armenian driver in a T-model Ford to take him, hiding some 50 gold coins in his inner clothing.
Along the road they saw an old man hitchhiking, but they did not stop for him.  Then they felt guilty about not helping the old man, so they went back and gave him a ride.
Ten minutes later the old man pulled out two guns and ordered the men to stop and strip.  As the farmer stripped, his gold coins fell to the ground.
The old man bent down to pick them up....and as he did so, the farmer and Armenian grabbed the guns. The old man struggled...produced a knife...and a fierce fight  took place.  Everyone was covered in blood....and the old man died.
The farmer said to the Armenian "you killed him".  The Armenian said to the farmer "you killed him".
They left the old man's body by the side of the road and drove on nervously.
They were stopped by a police patrol....and when the police saw blood, asked what had happened.
The farmer said the Armenian had killed an old hitchhiker.  The Armenian said the farmer killed him.
A policeman checked their car, and found the old man's ID card.
"The old man was a wanted criminal.....there's a reward of 100 gold coins for anyone who finds him dead or alive".
"I killed him", said the farmer.  "No you didn't....I killed him" said the Armenian.
Eventually the split the reward.

July 7

Smile   (thank you, Gordon)  THE MEANING OF LIFE  EXPLAINED 

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.."
The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"  So God agreed......

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."  The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?" And God agreed........

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed again......

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But the humans said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give us our twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"  "Okay," said God. "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.