Smiles

June 30:
Smile 01: Last Sunday afternoon when I went to Chung Ching Mansion in Tsim Sha Tsui (...a little United Nations shopping center...) to look for Hindi, Punjabe and Urdi magazines, I was asked by three young guys from a country I won't mention: "Would you like to buy some hash?"
- to which I replied I spend a large part of the week visiting their countrymen now in prison....please stop selling hash

Smile 02: Last Monday when I visited inmates at Hei Ling Chau Island detention centers, one man, a Chinese Evangelical guy who lived in South America for many years, gave me a Bible exam. He didn't believe I worshipped Jesus. He said "you are a Catholic. You worship Mary". I explained that Catholics honor, not worship Mary. "OK", he said, "if you worship Jesus, tell me what Jesus said to his friends after he rose from the dead". To which I replied "Peace". And he said "Yes, you do worship Jesus" and shook by hand!

God and the devil met up at the Word Cup. The topic of conversation turned to who could turn out the best football team.
The devil proposed a football match to settle this question.

As God was leaving he said to the devil, 'Don't you realize that all the best players go to heaven?"

Smile A Christian Puppy (to go with recent photo, paws for prayer, above)

A Baptist couple decide that they want to get a dog. As they are walking
down the street in town, they notice that a sign in the pet shop is
advertising "Christian Puppies." Their interest piqued, they go inside.

"How do you know they're Christian puppies?"

"Watch," says the owner, as he takes one of the dogs and says, "Fetch the
Bible." The dog runs over to the desk, and grabs the Bible in its mouth and
returns. Putting the Bible on the floor, the owner says, "Find Psalm 23."
The dog flips pages with its paw until he reaches the right page, and then
stops. Amazed and delighted, the couple purchase the dog and head home.

That evening, they invite some friends over and show them the dog, having
him run through his Psalm 23 routine. Impressed, one of the visitors asks
"Does he also know 'regular' commands?"

"Gee, we don't know. We didn't ask," replies the husband.

Turning to the dog, he says, "Sit." The dog sits. He says, "Lie down." The
dog lies down. He says "Roll over." The dog rolls over.

He says "Heel." The dog runs over to him, jumps up on the sofa, puts both
paws on the owner's forehead and bows his head.

"Oh look!" the wife exclaims. "He's CHARISMATIC!"

Smile: English teacher had a very troublesome little girl in his class.....so teacher gave her a name that would cause her plenty of trouble in
the years to come as she was introduced by her friends.... Mywife (pronounced "my wife")

Smile: Did you hear about the foetus that was an atheist? ....didn't believe in life after birth

Gordon Brown is out jogging one morning, notices a little boy on the corner with a box. Curious he runs over to the child and says, 'What's in the box sonny?' To which the little boy says, 'Kittens, They're brand new kittens.'

Gordon Brown laughs and says, 'What kind of kittens are they? 'Socialists', the child says. 'Oh that's lovely, 'Gordon smiles and he runs off.

A couple of days later Gordon is running with his colleague Tony Blair and he spies the same boy with his box just ahead. Gordon says to Tony, 'Watch this.' and they both jog over to the boy with the box.

Gordon says, 'Look in the box Tony, isn't that cute? Look at those little kittens. Och aye laddie, tell my friend Tony what kind of kittens they are.'

'What?' Gordon says, 'I jogged by here the other day and you said they were Socialists. What's changed?
'Well, 'the lad says, 'Their eyes are open now.'

Smile 01: (Thank you Gordon...)

THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN LAS VEGAS , BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES THAN CASINOS.

NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED.

SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS..

THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN.

THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS

Smile 02 (a joke about the Jesuits, for anniversary of Matteo Ricci...sorry, Matteo):
How are the Jesuits and Dominicans similar?

They were both founded by Spaniards: St. Dominic established the Dominicans, and St. Ignatius of Loyola established the Jesuits.
They were also both founded to combat heresy: the Dominicans to fight Albigensianism, and the Jesuits to fight Protestantism.

How are they different?

Have you met any Albigensians lately?

Smile 03: A few days ago, in an English class with some Year 12 students, as we studied an article about Turkey in that day's newspaper, I asked one of the students "Where is Turkey?". He replied "in Japan".....thinking "Turkey" was "Tokyo"

01: (per a Jewish friend I visited in hospital last Sunday night) - How is it that a nation descended from Abraham won't eat pork?

02: Guard in one of HK's prisons on charge last week for taking porn into prison. But isn't there porn in every prison?

One more smile: The South China Morning Post has apologized for giving the wrong Chinese name for President Hu Jintao in a story on its front page. The name, printed in Chinese characters, was "Hu Jia" - the same as that of a prominent mainland activist who's serving a three-and-a-half year jail term.

Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"

Smile - for Easter
There were three country churches in a small Texas town: Presbyterian, Methodist and Baptist.
Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels.
One day, the Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.
The Methodist group got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures.
So, they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.
It was only the Baptists who were able to come up with the best and most effective solution:
They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they see them only at Christmas and Easter.

FLORIDA COURT SETS ATHEIST HOLY DAY

In Florida, an atheist created a case against the upcoming Easter and Passover Holy days. He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against Christians and Jews and observances of their holy days..... The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized days.

The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring, "Case dismissed!"

The lawyer immediately stood objecting to the ruling saying, "Your honor, How can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter and others. The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah, yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays..".

The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, "But you do. Your client, counsel, is woefully ignorant."

The lawyer said, "Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists."

The judge said, "The calendar says April 1st is April Fools Day. Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.' Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that, if your client says there is no God, then he is a fool. Therefore, April 1st is his day. Court is adjourned."

An aging man lived alone in Ireland. His only son was in prison, and the father didn't know anyone who would spade up his potato garden. The old man wrote to his son about it, and received this reply, "For HEAVENS SAKE, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!!!!!"

At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, but didn't find any guns. Confused, the man wrote to his son telling him what happened and asking him what to do next.

His son's reply was: "Just plant your potatoes."

Smile - for Lent

Very overweight person to pastor: I have an evil spirit.
Pastor: what sort of evil spirit.
VOP: a spirit of fatness.
Pastor: this sort can be expelled only by prayer and f a s t i n g

Priest - a keen golfer - to old monk: will there be golf in Heaven?
Monk: give me a day or two to pray about it

After two days' prayer, monk to priest: I have good news and bad news.
The good news: Heaven is full of 24/7 fabulous golf courses.
The bad news: you're due to tee off next Monday

Smile: last Sunday at St Bonaventure Church, on the Feast of the Holy Family, I invited children to come up to the front during the sermon.
When I asked them "What is Jesus' mobile phone number?", one 9 year old girl immediately replied "In the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit". "Out of the mouths of babes..."

What is the difference between Bird Flu and Swine Flu?
For bird flu you need tweetment; for swine flu you need oinkment