1940 Temporary golf rules at London golf course - during Battle of Britian
had pilot and 5 passengers: the USA president, the UN secretary general, a
famous Nobel prize scientist, an old priest and a backpacker.
Pilot: plane's going to crash...we have to jump....but only 5 parachutes...I'm taking one...bye bye
US president: I'm a very important man...I'm taking a parachute...bye bye
UN sec'y gen: I also am very important...I'm taking a parachute...bye bye
Scientist: I'm one of the smartest people in the world....I'm very important....I'm taking a parachute...bye bye
Priest to backpacker: Well son, two of us and only 1 chute. I've tried to live a good life. I'm ready to meet my Maker. You take the chute.
Backpacker to priest: No need for that, father. There are still 2 parachutes. The smartest man in the world just took my backpack
Catholic priest, Jewish Rabbi and Anglican bishop in car
going along highway. Hit a large rabbit which was crossing the road.
Rabbit was thrown to side of road.
Three holy men decided to stop and minister to dead rabbit.
Rabbi prayed....nothing happened.
Bishop prayed...nothing happened.
Priest took out bottle and sprinkled rabbit. Rabbit came back to life....stood up...waved.....went about 10 metres...waved again....another 10 metres...waved again.
Rabbi & bishop to priest: what did you do?
Priest: I just used some hair restorer......with a permanent wave
University students sitting at table in park next to
Old couple come and sit at nearby table.
Old couple have one bag from McDonald's, with one Big Mac, one French fries - which they divide in two.
Uni students: "You must be very poor to have only one meal between two people. We will buy you another meal"
Old couple: "No need, thank you. We share everything. That's the way we do things"
...after a while.....uni students notice that although the old man and old woman are sharing the one cup of coffee, only the old man is eating the Big Mac & fries
Uni students to old woman: "why aren't you eating
Old woman: "no problem. We share everything. I'm waiting for the teeth"
Thief broke into convent of Sisters of St Joseph.
Then a voice was heard: Joseph is watching.
Voice again heard: Joseph is watching.
Thief uses torch....sees that "voice" is a parot.
Thief goes on putting items in his sack.
Voice then says to huge guard dog: Get him, Joesph"
- a keen golfer - to old monk: will there be golf in Heaven?
Monk: give me a day or two to pray about it
After two day's prayer, monk to priest: I have good news and bad news.
The good news: Heaven is full of 24/7 fabulous golf courses.
The bad news: you're due to tee off next Monday
Four priests in sharing group during
retreat.....discussing their weaknesses, then praying for each other.
1st priest "I sometimes have trouble with porn on internet" - then the 3 others prayed for him.
2nd priest "I sometimes have trouble with gambling" - then the 3 others prayed for him
3rd priest "I sometimes have trouble with alcohol" - then the 3 others prayed for him
4th priest "I'm an inveterate gossip, and I can't wait to get back to my parish"
Lady having her hair done at hairdresser's in USA.
Lady said she was going to Rome next week.
Hairdresser: What airline are you flying?
Hairdresser: Continental no good. Big mistake.
Lady: Too late. Already booked.
Hairdresser: What hotel will you stay at in Rome?
Lady: The Eterna
Hairdresser: That's a dump. How could you choose such a
Lady: Too late. Already booked
Lady: I'm hoping to see the Pope.
Hairdresser: You and a hundred thousand others
About two month's later, on her return from Rome, lady again goes to have hair done.
Hairdresser: How was Continental?
Lady: No problem. Brand new Jumbo jet
Hairdresser: What about the terrible hotel?
Lady: It was beautiful. Just had 25 million dollar renovations.
Hairdresser: And don't tell me you saw the Pope?
Lady: Well, our group was walking through St Peter's when a Swiss guard tapped me on the shoulder and said the Pope likes to pick some pilgrims at random for a meeting.
Hairdresser: You talked to the Pope! What did he say to
Lady: He asked me who fecked up my hair?
On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple has a fatal car accident. The couple is sitting outside heaven's gate waiting on St. Peter to do the paperwork so they can enter. While waiting, they wonder if they could possibly get married in Heaven. St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him. St. Peter says, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone has ever asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves
The couple sit for a couple of months and begin to wonder if
they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it
all. "What if it doesn't work out?" they wonder, "Are we stuck
together forever?" St. Peter returns after yet another month, looking
somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you can get
married in Heaven." "Great," says the couple, "but what if
things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" exclaims the frightened couple. "Oh, Come on!" St. Peter exclaims, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it's going to take for me to find a lawyer?"
Smiles 2006 - 2009