Smiles 2006 contributions welcome

Smiles 2006 - 2009

2009-12-21: FLORIDA COURT SETS ATHEIST HOLY DAY

In Florida, an atheist created a case against the upcoming Easter and Passover Holy days. He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against Christians and Jews and observances of their holy days..... The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized days.

The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring, "Case dismissed!"

The lawyer immediately stood objecting to the ruling saying, "Your honor, How can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter and others. The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah, yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays..".

The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, "But you do. Your client, counsel, is woefully ignorant."

The lawyer said, "Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists."

The judge said, "The calendar says April 1st is April Fools Day. Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.' Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that, if your client says there is no God, then he is a fool. Therefore, April 1st is his day. Court is adjourned."

2009-06-14 Illusions - Thank you, Gerard!

2009-05-05 Thank you, Luc!

A Lawyer and a Chinese:
A lawyer and a Chinese are sitting next to each other on a long flight.
The lawyer is thinking that all Chinese are so dumb that he could put one
over on them, easy.

So the lawyer asks if the Chinese would like to play a fun game. The
Chinese is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely
declines, and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, and
says that the game is a lot of fun. I ask you a question, and if you
don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I
don't know the answer, I will pay you $500, he says. This catches the
Chinese's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play
the game. The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance
from The Earth to the Moon?' The Chinese doesn't say a word, reaches
in his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the
lawyer.
Now, it's the Chinese's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill
with three legs, and comes down with four?' The lawyer uses his laptop
and searches all references he could find on the Net. He sends e-mails
to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of
searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the Chinese and hands him
$500. The Chinese pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep. The
lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the Chinese up
and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down
with four?
The Chinese reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

Don't mess with us Chinese.

Hong Kong South China Morning Post, 2008-11-10

(thank you, Blue Sky!)

To the citizens of The United States of America: (thank you, Louis!)

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you actually noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect.

You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford "English" Dictionary.

1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour' and 'neighbour'. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise'.

Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS US ENGLISH.

We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.

Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect.

At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the

benefit of conversion tables.

Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

8. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with ketchup but with vinegar.

10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. Australian beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them.

American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion

11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

12. You will cease playing American football.

There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

Don't try Rugby - the Australians and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.

13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America.

Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God save the Queen

Thank you, Agnelo

A Sunday school teacher began her lesson with a question,
"Boys and girls, what do we know about God?
A hand shot up in the air,
"He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy.
"Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked.
"You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven...."

A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly,
"I know what the bible means!"
His father smiled and replied,
"What do you mean, you 'know' what the bible means?"
The son replied,
"I do know!"
"Okay," said his father, "what does the bible mean?"
"That's easy, Daddy,"
the young boy replied excitedly,
"It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'"

There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation:
"I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program.
The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."

Adam: why did you make woman so beautiful, so pleasing?
God: so that you would love her

Adam: but why did you make her so dumb?
God: so that she would love you

Thank you David!

Everything I need to know about life,
I learned from Noah's Ark. ..

One: Don't miss the boat.

Two: Remember that we are all in the same boat.

Three: Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark.

Four: Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big.

Five : Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.

Six: Build your future on high ground.

Seven: For safety's sake, travel in pairs.

Eight: Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs.

Nine: When you're stressed, float a while.

Ten: Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals.

Eleven: No matter the storm, when you are with God, there's always a rainbow waiting

What Santa gives to naughty boys...- thank you Gerry!

Thank you Bill!

2006-01-20 Latest update of "Who's on First?" - thank you Garth!