Smiles!  1998-2000

contributions  welcome - send to:

Ah Beng had just bought a new computer and was using it when he encountered some problems. He decide to use the 'Help' command after some tries. Soon after, he became very irritated and called the computer retailer for support. Ah Beng : "I press the 'F1' key for help ah but it's been over half an hour & still nobody come and help me ah?!" -------------------------------------------------- Ah Beng to a long-distance telephone operator: "COULD YOU PLEASE TELL ME THE TIME DIFFERENCE BETWEEN Taipei AND LAS VEGAS?" Operator: "JUST A MINUTE..." Ah Beng: "THANK YOU," AND PUTS DOWN THE PHONE. -------------------------------------------------- t a bar in New York, the man to Ah Beng's left tells the bartender, "JOHNNIE WALKER, SINGLE", and his companion says, "JACK DANIELS, SINGLE". The bartender approaches Ah Beng and asks, "AND YOU, SIR?" Ah Beng replies: "Tan Ah Beng, MARRIED." -------------------------------------------------- After completing a jigsaw puzzle he'd been working on for quite some time, Ah Beng proudly shows off the finished puzzle to a friend. "It took me ONLY 5 MONTHS TO DO IT", Ah Beng brags. "FIVE MONTHS? THAT'S TOO LONG", the friend exclaims. "YOU ARE A FOOL." Ah Beng replies, "SEE THIS BOX, IT IS WRITTEN FOR 4-7 YRS". -------------------------------------------------- Ah Beng with two red ears went to his doctor. The doctor asked him what had happened to his ears and he answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone ring lor- but instead of picking up the phone, I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear. So kena lor!" "Oh dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But.. what happened to the other ear?" Ah Beng answered: "That stoopid dumbo call back lor!!!!" -------------------------------------------------- Why did Ah Beng go to a movie with his 18 friends? Aiyah, because below 18 not allowed lor!!!!!       (7.7.2000 Thank you, M!)

Thank you, Al!

(thank you, Net!)

Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets  of  Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip  and was  planning to meet him there the next day.  When he reached his  hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.  Unable to find the  scrap of  paper  on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his   best  to type it in  from memory.

Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed  instead  to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away  only  the  day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one  look  at  the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor  in a dead  faint.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on  the  screen:
 Dearest Wife,
 Just got checked in.
 Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
 Your Loving Husband
  PS. Sure is hot down here.

Forgetfullness : (from Ian Jones - thank you!)
        An elderly husband and wife noticed that they were beginning to forget
  many little things around the house. They were afraid that this could be
  dangerous, as one of them may accidentally forget to turn off the stove and thus
  cause a fire. So, they decided to go see their doctor to get some help.

        Their physician told them that many people their age find it useful to
  write themselves little notes as reminders. The elderly couple thought this
  sounded wonderful, and left the doctor's office very pleased with the advice.

        When they got home, the wife said, "Honey, will you please go to the
  kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And why don't you write that down so you
  won't forget?"

        "Nonsense," said the husband, "I can remember a dish of ice cream!"

        "Well," said the wife, "I'd also like some strawberries on it. You better
  write that down, because I know you'll forget."

        "Don't be silly," replied the husband. "A dish of ice cream and some
  strawberries. I can remember that!"

        "OK, dear, but I'd like you to put some whipped cream on top. Now you'd
  really better write it down now. You'll forget," said the wife.

        "Come now, my memory's not all that bad," said the husband. "No problem, a
  dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream."

        With that, the husband shut the kitchen door behind him. The wife could
  hear him getting out pots and pans, and making some noise inconsistent with his
  preparing a dish of ice cream, strawberries, and whipped cream. He emerged from
  the kitchen about 15 minutes later.

        Walking over to his wife, he presented her with a plate of bacon and eggs.
  The wife took one look at the plate, glanced up at her husband and said, "Hey,
  where's the toast?"

An Irish farmer was asked to evaluate the Religious Instruction Program in schools. He said "the children are
taught nothing in Primary School,  they discuss it in Secondary School, and they research it at University".

- thank you, Margaret C !

Recently God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the evil that was
  going on.  He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out.  So he
  called on a female angel and sent her to Earth for a time.  When she returned
  she told God, yes it is bad on Earth, 95% of the people are bad and 5% are good.

  Well, he thought for a moment and said maybe I had better send down a male
  angel; to get both points of view.  So God called a male angel and sent him to
  Earth for a time.  When the male angel returned he went to God and told him yes,
  the Earth was in decline, 95% of the people are bad and 5% are good.  God
  said this was not good. He decided to E-mail the 5% that were good and encourage
  them ...
  just a little something to help them keep going.

  Do you know what that E-mail said?
        ...  Oh, you didn't get one?!!!

(thank you, Ian J!)

 Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference.  At
the station, the three lawyers each buy tickets and watch as the three
engineers buy only a single ticket.  "How are three people going to travel on
only one ticket?" asked one of the three lawyers.  "Watch and you'll see,"
answers one of the engineers.

 They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.
He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.  The conductor takes it and moves on.
 The lawyers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the lawyers decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money.  When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket
for the return trip.   To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.  "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed lawyer.   "Watch and you'll see," says one of the engineers.
 When they board the train, the three lawyers cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby.  The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the
restroom where the lawyers are hiding.  He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

 There was a church that had problems with outsiders parking in its parking lots, so they put up a sign: CHURCH CAR PARK - FOR MEMBERS ONLY Trespassers will be baptised!

Here are some signs found outside churches:
"No God-No Peace. Know God-Know Peace."
"Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside!"
"Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins."
"Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here!"

An ad for one Church has a picture of two hands holding stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed and a headline that reads, "For fast, fast, fast relief, take two tablets."

When the restaurant next to another Church put out a big sign with red letters that said, "Open Sundays," the church reciprocated with its own message: "We are open on Sundays, too."

A singing group called "The Resurrection" was scheduled to sing at a church. When a big snowstorm postponed the performance, the pastor fixed the outside sign to read, "Resurrection is postponed."

"People are like tea bags-you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are."

"God so loved the world that He did not send a committee."

"Come in and pray today. Beat the Christmas rush!"

"When down in the mouth, remember Jonah. He came out alright."
"Sign broken. Message inside this Sunday."
"Fight truth decay-study the Bible daily."
"How will you spend eternity-Smoking or Non-smoking?"
"Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives":
"Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world."
"It is unlikely there'll be a reduction in the wages of sin."
"Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church."
"If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns."
"If you don't like the way you were born, try being born again."
"Looking at the way some people live, they ought to obtain eternal fire insurance soon."
"This is a ch_ _ ch. What is missing?" ---------(U R)
"Forbidden fruit creates many jams."
"In the dark? Follow the Son."
"Running low on faith? Stop in for a fill-up."
"If you can't sleep, don't count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd."